Spring
As I wander the terraced backstreets of Brunswick with my now-walking (!!!) toddler, the pink blooming of Magnolias and the smell of jasmine remind me that seasons DO change, and early spring is arriving.
On this side, life has been untamably wild. Until recently, I have felt like a glitch, misaligned in engaging with the world. I have been in deep mud and dissociation; only quite recently have I surfaced. My clothes are still sodden with mud. I feel it is time to share what I have been keeping to myself.
A recap: February this year, my daughter's father and I chose to merge our businesses and signed a commercial lease. I felt like we had caught such a great wave. Like we were galloping free with the Fire horses, in momentum and ease, collaboration and joy. We often danced together in between domestic duties, packing boxes, painting walls, changing nappies and shopping for equipment. All our dreams had manifested.
March. Just weeks after this new commitment, our home- which was a direct pay-to-landlord agreement- went up for auction. Unfortunately, the landlord had made poor financial decisions & lied to us, so we had three weeks to move ourselves, our baby, and my partner's elderly father from our classic Brunswick, 70s migrant concreted yarded, 4-bedroom, double garaged (onto a cobbled alleyway) home…..into the upstairs of our new commercial lease that we were still fitting out. A one-bedroom apartment for the four of us. <insert hair-pulling and teeth-grinding with the juxtaposition of gratitude of not being homeless here> Luckily, International and interstate soul friends of mine came through those final days at our home to stay with us to help us move, paint walls and care for our daughter. Our changing circumstances were held with love, support and magic. I am blessed. I am supported. I am guided.
The story becomes denser.
April. I was in finals for my semester of bachelor's studies- amidst moving and fitting out our new premises when I learned I was unexpectedly pregnant. Despite a personal desire to have more children, our circumstances were incredibly unstable, so I terminated the pregnancy. Stress was high. Hearts were broken. Emotions erupted. This was a raw fracture in our relationship. Somehow, I passed my semester with incredible marks and deferred the following semester to clear some space to grieve.
May. Greiving. Hormonal. Breastfeeding. Harnessing all the tools I have gathered in my belt that tough times have gifted me. Surviving; just keeping my head above water. Then, my partner separated from me just before our daughter's first birthday. He and his dad moved out. Abruptly.
This wave I felt we caught officially catapulted me into the rocks. The person I thought was my teammate was on the shore while I scrambled for air. The galloping horses around me were now ON fire, blazing through the dreams and reality I thought we were building. Frozen, I watched it all happen, with my baby at my breast.
I had done it again. My pattern. I abandoned myself in the relationship so it could last. I gaslit myself into believing my love could take us through. It snapped from the pressure of it all. I kept turning all the s**t around for everybody in the home so we could have space for magnetism, while said s**t was recreated before my eyes…including my own………. y a w n. I forgive myself.
My heart was shattered. My nervous system was jacked.
June/ July/August Mostly a blur. Somehow, a crystal-clear presence arrives while I am caring for my daughter. She is the lotus, and I am the mud. We are connected. I have learned through this process not to disturb muddy water. It will only become cloudier, muddier, murkier.
During this time, I have been grieving, rewiring my mind, meditating, navigating an influx of expenses that were once shared, learning co-parenting systems, and shifting into managing a fatherless home. I feel no blame toward my ex, for I know all too well that will trap me. I choose to rebuild, I choose to heal, I choose to forgive, I choose to grow & start again, and I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to do so. I am grateful to live in a time where women have autonomy and systemic support. I am getting there.
Alongside all of this, I opened my Yoga Shala with a handful of wonderful instructors, have taught some wonderful classes and looked after wonderful clients. I flooded my home - leaking into the lower level from a forgotten running tap - a metaphor for how my emotional world was literally overflowing from having a full plate while navigating co-parenting DISagreements, de facto separation, heartbreak, the rug pulled from my feet and being the primary carer for my sweet angel baby honey.
I have been absolutely tested beyond any capacity I ever imagined I could bear. I have felt dark forces within and around me which really pushed for my demise. I did not allow it.
I understand that in the bigger picture of my life, this is another blip, another opportunity to grow, to rise with the upward spiral of healing. Another layer of my unconscious pattern has illuminated itself to me. I have returned to the cave in the trunk of the tree, and I am licking my wounds. I am grateful to learn more about myself.
I have only just begun emerging from the flames. The horses are lying down, as exhausted as I. This tower moment of my life is an opportunity to rebuild with clearer foundations. To grieve, to love, to let go. I have no shame for trying my best and believing in love. Sometimes when a crisis burns down a forest in your heart, it can appear that the smoke has stolen all the stars in all the skies. A mistake still burns, and you think you cannot go on. It is not true. Our love never leaves. Love does not know how to quit. Those who chose love never lose. The forest that grows back in a wounded heart is stronger and wilder before the fire. And if you can really let go, forgive, release, and rebuild- then we have arrived. Right at the beginning.
Here, Is to my new beginning. Spring, is coming.
